I. Hate. Losing. There, I said it. I am competitive at everything I set out to do. A hunger inside me propels me to accept nothing but the best. This crazy side of me rears its ugly head from time to time. As a former athlete and a crazy sports fan, my wife can attest to the countless times I have yelled at our inanimate television screen after one of my favorite teams has lost. It is pathetic, I get it.
When Talladega Nights came out during my freshmen year of college, I was a fan. “If you ain’t first, you’re last,” was a quote that my friends and I ran into the ground. However, this is also a quote that easily describes my mentality at times. For those of you wondering, I greatly detest handing out “participatory ribbons.”
As someone who strives to live like Christ, I realize this attitude is not one that points others to God. It has caused me to do some unethical things on the football field to give my team the advantage. I have said some hurtful things to those I love all because of this ugly side of me.
Sharing this is not easy. I have just recently begun the practice of becoming more vulnerable with others. It has been through these efforts that some healing has taken place. Vulnerability has given others the right to speak into my life. Brene Brown has several resources available on this topic and I suggest any who are interested to check out her TED Talk. Click Here
I have found that some of my attitude exists because of a desire to be great and prove others wrong. I was the kid on the high school football team who was told I’d never play, yet I started three years in college. I was told that college would be a struggle for me, yet I am set to graduate in my Masters program with all “A’s.” This competitive drive is like two sides of a coin. I can either use it for good or allow it to destroy me.
I can picture myself as James and John battling to sit at Jesus’ side. However, in the same way Christ redirected them, He does the same for me. “Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave” (Matthew 20:26-27). Even though this is often quoted, I still find strength in it.
I am growing daily in surrendering. Nevertheless, I still struggle with wanting to be rewarded for my accomplishments. I have learned to fix my eyes upon Jesus. However, there will be times my eyes turn towards other earthly prizes.
Moreover, through it all, I have found that when I try to do it by myself I fail. When Christ takes second, third, and even last in my daily priorities, that ugly beast will rear it’s head again. With the help of my God and others who love me, that competitive drive can be used for good. I am now working on funneling that drive into my relationship with Christ. Imagine the dividends that will bring.
My hope is that through my vulnerability, you are more willing to open up. It would be great if we all see the areas in our lives that need improving and surrender them to God wholeheartedly. Ask yourself, what have you been struggling with lately? How can your active and vulnerable relationship with God and others bring healing to you during this time?
Sharing your heart and weaknesses is not glorious. In fact, it probably feels an awful lot like coming in last. You know what though; being last and out of the limelight isn’t as bad as it I originally thought.
“The opinions expressed by the Tabor College EML student bloggers and those providing comments are theirs alone, and do not reflect the opinions of Tabor College. Tabor College is also not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information in the post.”